"When we were at school", burbled Reviews Editor Jon Lewin "the teachers were so mean we had to put up our hands and ask to be given a damn good caning just so it would warm up the seat of our pants". "That's nothing," scoffed Assistant Editor Tony Bacon "we used to have to put up our hands for number twos, ask for some paper, tell them how many sheets we wanted and if we didn't bring back the spare ones, the dinner ladies would boil us for tea time". "Pah", sneered Editor Paul Colbert, wondering what it meant, "we had to put our hands down the toilet, fish out the top sheets and dry them so we could use them again, cane ourselves to within an inch of our lives so we didn't die of frostbite and eat our own feed every day otherwise the dinner ladies would make us stay behind school" — they waited — "and watch Terry Wogan". "Liar" they said.